Apology

A lot has been mentioned about apology this last month on the web and social networks and on television. I think because of the events of recent days there are a lot of apologies going around. As a mediator I have dealt a lot with the words of apology and what makes it meaningful. I even took a fabulous course on the art of the apology. I was reading an article about making kids apology for tormenting their brothers or sisters or even friends and what that means to a child. This particular expert thought one should not make someone apologize because it is saying everything is okay when you just apologize. It allows the person to get off the hook and can still make the same comments over and over again and then just offer up an apology and I so agree with this philosophy. Making someone feel guilty or expecting one to apologize is not the answer, yet we do it all the time. A simple I am sorry is not always the magic bullet. When I did mediations where an apology was essential to getting the matter resolved, whether it be between partners in business or partners in lost love or partners that were now at odds, the tone and delivery and the actual words spoken meant the difference between an acceptance or a rejection. I encouraged my "apologizers" to write out their words first and really think about what they were actually apologizing for. Did they want to relieve themselves of guilt or did they want something for their apology or were they merely doing it to appease the other person? How sincere were they and what did they hope to accomplish. I had cases settle with a complex apology where the other person really heard the apology and went on to express their gratitude. Some people just want to feel respected. There might be a horrible divorce and both parties need to hear each other say, "it wasn't suppose to end like this or ever end for that matter.I never walked down that aisle thinking I would be here now with you fighting about custody or furniture or money. Truly, sincerely I am unhappy about this whole process and I really want it to go smoothly and I didn't mean to hurt you and I want you to know how awful I feel as well." Somewhere lies the right words and the apology is accepted and both parties can move on. It takes an honest person, corporation or any type of human being to issue the right kind of apology. I wish that in dealing with the Casey Anderson trial someone would have stood up and told the truth. If it was an accident so be it, that is why they are called accidents, if it was just hubris, admit you have an ego problem and move forward and take responsibility and if it was a betrayal really search deep in your soul for the kind of apology you would like to receive. Taking responsibility sets the tone.It can be done, it can work miracles and it definitely can have amazing results. But it must be well thought out, honest and sincere and most importantly with no expectations of success. I have seen it create real change in both the sender and the receiver.