Crashing into Motherhood
4 hours ago
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A discussion about the difference between men and women
Why do women in particular takes things so personally? And men do not. If you visit a friend who has animals running around and are very much a true part of their family and you are not an animal lover is it okay to ask for the dogs to be put somewhere else when you are visiting? Should you just go and when you see the situation and animals are not your thing just leave because you are not used to animal free rein? This has not been an overriding problem until this past weekend when I went to visit a new friend with lots of other people (all animal lovers) and my reaction was taken as so hurtful to my new friend when I asked about the dogs eating food from the table and shaking off on me in the house when just emerging from the pool. I was flabbergasted I must say and I thought I did pretty well as being tolerant but apparently not to my new friend. She called me out in front of others and said even though she loved me I was too demanding with the animals and get over it. Basically, I heard an angry person. I have been called many things but demanding is not one of them so I asked a few animal lovers to make sure I was okay with my comments. They all said that they watched their dogs and put them away if others were bothered. In the case and defense of my new friend I do know that their dogs have been part of their survival so upon hindsight had I know the rules in their house about animals I would have just skipped the gathering. But now I have apologized twice for hurting her feelings (on voicemail) and tried to express my appreciation for their lifestyle and reasons for loving their dogs. I realize that her apparent pissed off ness was really her sensitivity to thinking I was judging her home and her lifestyle and her family and anything else having to do with her animals. Truly not the case. I am known for telling it like it is and in this case I should have truly just left and acknowledged it had nothing to do with her, her family, her love of animals and just say I was uncomfortable because that is the truth. I have told anyone who will listen that I am really not an animal lover. It is about me not her. I am uncomfortable around animals and if they roam freely it is really about me and not her. I hope she will one day understand this and we can still enjoy our new friendship. I will just meet her where we can both feel comfortable. What do all my animal lover friends (and I do have many) think? I am deeply upset that this had to happen. Back to the beginning about women taking things personally.
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Valerie
ReplyDeleteMadge...I, too, am not an animal lover. The exact same thing happened to me at a very close friend's home("like a sister"). She knows how I feel about dogs and makes a feeble effort to keep the dogs(3) away from me. At a summer party one wet dog jumped on me(and my white linen slacks and shirt). I blurted out something like, "can't you put the dogs upstairs?" and she responded that they are part of the family...so, no. That was about 5 years ago and I can count on one hand the number of times I have returned. So much for "like family". My feelings were hurt and I think with good cause. It is a sad day when people put animal friendships ahead of personal friendships. When a guest comes to my home I do everything possible to make them feel welcome. When I had a dog that often meant putting the dog in another room. I think your hurt is justified and it's sad that your new friend is so defensive.
I feel for you Madge. I am an animal lover, so I do have several animals around. However, I have friends who are not, and when they bother my friends, I put them away. That having been said, I enjoy seeing people's furry friends when I visit, but I am very sensitive to smells, and I just don't enjoy smelly creatures wanting my attention, especially large ones. I have never had anyone to challenge me when I gently pushed an animal away and said, "No hugs today, Maxie!"
ReplyDeleteI am hurt when anyone is mean to my pets, but this is not what you are talking about. One of my in-laws routinely shoves my dogs away with a gruff "Git!" There is a nice way to maintain your space.
People are more important than pets, even though I adore mine. I would never allow my dogs or cats to impose on a guest or make company feel uncomfortable.
I question your new friend's judgment and graciousness.
Thank you Emily K. If I did anything wrong it was in questioning her about her dogs eating off plates and trying to reach food on the table. When the dog shook off after going in the pool in the house and my back was wet I did leave soon after. She even made the comment leaving now and I said I was up early getting ready for a baby shower in my house and was tired. Really, I had had enough.
ReplyDeleteWe don't let our children jump on people or, say, put muddy hands on folks. If the dogs can't learn, they should not be around visitors. Madge, I'm with you on this. I have a cat. Kiki likes people, but one of my friends is terrified of four-legged furry animals. Pansy knows (and says) it's irrational, but that is nevertheless the feeling that comes over her. Whenever she visits, Kiki doesn't get to circulate among the people.
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is when you invite people over to your home they are guests and should be treated as such. I am not saying to lock the dog in a bathroom, but if you are inside, let them play outside. I agree with Bonnie's comments about if we don't let our kids run around like kids are wont to do, we should rein in the animals when there are people over who aren't big fans.
ReplyDeleteMadge,
ReplyDeleteI too have a friend like this. They have the dumbest dog I have ever met. Their dumb dog is constantly grubbing for food and affection but with his large size it really gets annoying. I, as are you I'm sure, don't want some stupid dog licking my face or hands after he licks his own ass every ten minutes. If the animal's owner can't understand this then he too can lick his own ass.
Donald
Thanks Donald.
ReplyDeleteFrom my friend Stephanie.
ReplyDeleteI am severely allergic to dogs and avoid going into homes where there is
one. But, I can comment on this post. This is a case of the owner being too
lazy to train her animal. I have a student who I see on Saturday mornings. I
have to walk down a outdoor walkway, past two dog owners to get to his
place. I have told the owners many times that I am allergic, and could they
please have the dogs indoors between 10:00 and 10:01 so I can walk to my
clients house. 9 times out of the 10 the dogs are there to "greet" me when I
arrive. I am pretty firm with the animals telling them to go back in the
house and they usually follow my commands. When they don't and I ask the
women to call their dogs, one of them says "I call her but she doesn't
always come, sorry. Also, you can't be allergic to her, she has hair not
fur." But she also has a tongue and saliva, and if she licks my leg and I
have an anaphalactic reaction I will send you the bill. Most dog owners I've
found treat their dogs like children. I will often hear owners say, "mommy
says sit". If that is so, then the dogs should behave as such. If not,
that's the fault of the owner, plain and simple. I have friends with dogs
that are incredibly well trained because like being a good parent, it takes
a ton of work. Animals should not be exempt in my opinion. Madge, you are
totally in the right here and it's your friend's poor "parenting" skills
that are the problem. In my opinion, if someone has a party and there are
dogs that are fairly active at the house, the invitation should read "I
invite you to our home on such and such a date to celebrate such and such
event." Please be aware that we have a dog who will also be at the party. He
likes to play. Hard. With people he knows and does not know. He will lick
you, eat your food, shake his fur and dander on you and bark. This is the
way he will be so please rsvp accordingly."
Stephanie, I love you idea at the end of putting this on an invitation. It would have solved my issues from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteGee, Madge -- what a great friend you are. I was there that night and your version of what happened is quite different from mine and from the other people who were there -- all of whom I spoke with. You were in HER home, which, if the situation made you so uncomfortable, you could have and should have left, instead of grousing about it and then going off to air your feelings in public like this. It's clear that you are untrustworthy as a friend. Well, your worries about being in this home are over. You'll never be invited back there again.
ReplyDeleteHow about instead of being anonymous you out yourself. I realize everyone has their interpretation as it turns out. Seems I focused on the dogs when I should have focused on what the homeowner really thought of me. I thought it was about the dogs but clearly you and your "friends" have a lot to say. Could have taken me aside and told me how you or anybody for that matter felt. I should have dropped off the food assessed the dog situation and politely excused myself. My bad. As for ever going there again it was not my intention ever go there anyway. Also, my accounting of the event is mine and mine alone. Don't negate my feelings or interpretations. Points of view about an event are always subject to a third eye where the truth lies. Asked any divorcing couple and you will see that every story has two sides and then the third side which rests somewhere else. Thanks for your comments. Next time come clean and name yourself.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing. I am glad you are speaking for the homeowner. Do you always speak for other people? How would you know I would not be invited back unless the homeowner told you or you are her. And if you want to compare friends and trustworthiness I will match you friend for friend in years as well as numbers.
ReplyDeleteAlso, apparently this particular person has not liked my personality from the beginning of the acquaintance and should have mentioned that to me long ago and I wouldn't have come at all to her gathering. This will be my last post on this matter. Life is filled with many adventures and this is one I never had before and won't again. I will watch out for who I trust. Confidence is confidence and if you know me well I never say something behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face. And to think I thought it was about the dogs. WOW-how naive am I. Lesson learned.
ReplyDeleteBut you did say it behind her back. Didn't you? This is the last I'll write, too. I posted anonymously to avoid names getting involved and I'll keep it at that. You and your readers might want to know that this was not a pre-planned out thing -- it was thrown together at the very last minute with the host and her husband volunteering their home. If you knew these people well you'd know that any time there is a party or gathering of more than a few people they arrange for someone -- usually their dog walke -- to deal with the dogs so what happened this time would not happen. As this was impromptu, that wasn't able to happen. And as far as I know nobody there besides you had a major problem -- aside from you who had complaints about the food, amount of food, and the smoke from the fire pit.
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe the host did pull you aside and convey her feelings about your behavior, so please don't act like this was all out of the blue.
You seem to follow my blog quite closely Mr/Ms homeowner. As I said I was told not in private and I thought it was about my comments about the dog. Others beside me talked about the fire, the food (which I contributed a lot too) and the dogs. Interesting what people will say about you behind your back. Some have said stuff to me but I don't go there. It is up to each person to speak their truths. This is too fucking highschoolish to continue. Everyone's story counts and is as they see it. You are allowed to have your opinion. And I can have mine. I agree to totally fucking disagree.
ReplyDeleteOh Madge. This is so hard. Clearly you intended no offense. I am an animal lover, and we had a dog for many many years. I also grew up in a household with both dogs and cats. We would never have allowed animals to eat off the tables, and we have always made sure to respect the discomfort that any potential guest might have around an animal, and put the animal in another room when company is there.
ReplyDeleteBut different people have such different ideas of what is good manners or acceptable behavior, especially in "their space."
I do hope you and your host will be able to work things out. Those of us who love our animals consider them family, but we don't expect others to do so.
Thanks Big Little Wolf but it turned out she has harbored her anger towards me inside and it exploded and had nothing to do with the animals as I truly had thought. She just didn't like me and took this opportunity to let me have it. This will never come to resolution as I have decided the relationship had no real substance and I am really relieved it is over, quite frankly. We have two opposite positions on what happened. Being a mediator I know when things are truly done and this is done. I have no interest ever in making this work. My life will be better without this BS in my life. And I am sure she is in agreement although I can't speak for her. A big lesson learned. And that is a good thing.
ReplyDelete