Tuesday, December 11, 2012
My head is literally spinning
The holidays are upon us and my head has been spinning since October. And the culmination of the imagined spinning has morphed into real spinning (benign positional vertigo). It all started in August when I decided to end a 12 year relationship (I know you have heard this story from me before but, it was working this time). I went off to Provincetown without this person in my life. I painted, I walked, I rode a bike and barely was this person in my vision. I put out to the universe I was ready for something/someone new in my life. Well, I guess I wasn't specific enough to say exactly what I wanted. I went to one of the gayest cities in America hoping to I don't know fall for a gay man? I have always picked unavailable men but have always had hope they would change their ways and become my "person". But falling for a gay man was never in my field of vision. I have many men in my life as friends whether they be former boyfriends, gay men, or just friends, from the beginning. But I have never been attracted to them other than as what they presented to me in my life. But, my latest foray has sent me far a field from someone "hopefully" attainable. I met someone who is 100% unattainable except for friendship. There is no chance or hope that this man will ever be what I really can have and want in my wheelhouse for a boyfriend. His qualities are ones of honesty, enthusiasm and love of shoes. We text a lot and I get photos of shoes, his dog, his Thanksgiving tablecloth he made himself and lots of other musings. We have become the best of friends and really do care about each other, that I am sure of. But as far as my needs and wants for a boyfriend, this one is a no brainer. However, he has shown me in a very short time what I do want in a straight man. I want the qualities of a gay man (with a very well developed female side), one who engages in conversations on all topics, one who is attentive, one who you know is there for you and one who appreciates your kindness and enthusiasm for life. I want someone who can handle their life and has it relatively together and is AVAILABLE. I learned from a gay male friend that a vision board is what I need to make. Since I no longer get magazines (saving our planet) except People and Oprah (soon to end) my visions are limited to the popular people and favorites things that are over the top in indulgence and expense. I will scout the internet and find photos of what is important to me. I am now convinced I can share my life with a man. I wasn't so sure before my latest adventure. It is time to let someone in. I think picking a gay man to fall in love with is the ultimate expression to me that I have to pick in a different direction. As for the 12 year relationship that I left behind that changed a little as well. My birthday was a day for emails and texts and calls and one was from him. We texted and talked and have become phone buddies again. Have not seen him since I have returned. Of course my new friend has become a constant in my life. He is a texter which I have learned to enjoy. They come at all hours of the day and night and reminds me I have found a very valuable new relationship. Platonic as can be but much richer in ways I never could have envisioned. So in a way my thought of someone new in my life materialized just not in the form I expected. Life constantly puts out challenges to test our visions, our loves, likes and our friendships both old and new. I have been flying as high as a kite the last 8 weeks and have been remiss in writing to my faithful readers but after a query from one of them about why I haven't written I felt my friends were calling me back in the fold. I am coming off the clouds and landing back on terra firma.