Saturday, April 6, 2013
I don't know if it is because my Mom is totally disabled and somewhat demented and says she wants to live to be 100 or my good friend having surgery for breast cancer or having lost my best friend 15 years ago to cancer or seeing people my age getting old, but I am thinking about death and dying so much more than usual. Mostly mine, though. It seems to follow me in all my activities and at night when I lay down I wonder if I will wake up in the morning not that I would know if I didn't. When my grand kids sleep over we go over what to do if they can't get me up in the morning or in case I should become unresponsive during the time I am awake. Living by myself for the last 24 years I have not thought about this until this last year or so. My trainer also reminded me that this October I turn 65 (young in today's world) but clearly it warrants my brain to think about it all. I am in good health, take medicines to stay that way. I work out 4 times a week not all that much cardio but with balance and weights and some cardio. My diet I would say is the least best part of me. I love sweets and when I was told a few years ago that I was pre-diabetic, I cut back and started eating better for the almost 75% of my life but that 25 could kill me. Heart disease is rampant in my family, cancer nowhere. I have taken anti-depressives for over 20 years (very small does) as it has kept me out of global hopelessness which was my main issue. I worried for the world and the future of my kids and future grandkids. I could see a movie that was disastrous and fall apart emotionally. For the last 20 years I have been depression free except for a few months when I decided to up the dosage (to a more therapeutic one which has now held me for years. It is not depression I feel but a real feeling of my demise. There are no indicators on which this is based. Just getting older and even though I have too much energy for most people my age or younger and have always felt younger than my age, now I am feeling closer to my age in so many ways. I am lucky that I have no real aches, or pains as lingering pain can be dreadful, according to my friends who have it and have to think about it everyday. I wake up feeling grateful and go to sleep feeling grateful but feeling my fate is already predestined. But then I look to my mother who has lived double the years of her father who was stricken at 32 with a heart attack and lived until 42. She is a walking medical success story where drugs have prevented her dying from a heart attack. And consequently my medicine, I can only assume is doing the same for me. As I think about the years left and believe me I try not to, I wonder what is in my future. I have a plan to never get like my Mom even if I have to move to Oregon where compassionate death is available. I try and really stay in the moment and try and breathe and think about my breath and all the goodness in my life. I am blessed with great kids, great grandkids and a loving sister and nieces. I live up the street from my older son and his family and while now it still seems that they need me more than I need them, I know the day will come when they will be helping me. Do any of you reading this have these thoughts and if so what to you do to sweep them away?